Pictured above: My daughter Maia waiting to receive my considerable wisdom.
Ihave collected little nuggets of wisdom over a lifetime of fuck ups. A treasure trove of fatherly advice that I occasionally share with my daughters. Some of their favorites are listed below.
“Drum roll, please!”
One of my daughters strikes her thigh drums, then nods to her sister who makes the sound of crashing cymbals.
If you want everyone to know your secret share it with your best friend and make him or her promise not to tell. Bottom line: nobody can keep a secret so don’t tell anyone if you don’t want everyone to know.
Your talent, hard work, and persistence is the key that unlocks your future. (I may have read this one in a fortune cookie)
Glass ceilings were meant to be broken. If you encounter a dickhead who insists on getting in your way, make him choke on the shards!
Leaving your laptop or cellphone on the table when you use the restroom is like leaving a stack of one-hundred dollar bills behind. When you return and find them missing, you’ll be treating yourself to a specialty drink called Latte Supreme Estúpido. (Take a sip and get back to work cuz dad ain’t payin’ for that drink twice)
If you dislike a particular food because of its appearance – looks rubbery and/or has the consistency of nose snot – wait until you are super hungry then give it a try. You may just like it. (I discovered my love for oysters that way)
Think of all the people you know. Most are mindful, alert, and courteous. Some are easily distracted, self-absorbed “daydreamer” types. A few are merely ASSHOLES. If only 1 out of 100 drivers are daydreamers and assholes, that’s a whole lot of mindless heavy metal in motion. Drive defensively and avoid being a dreamer’s worst nightmare or flipping off a raging asshole. Your most important job in life is to survive your father – with all your limbs and brain matter intact.
Don’t be afraid to ask dumbbell questions. Ask a lot of them. Being naturally curious fills your life with delicious treats. Indulge your curiosity and enjoy every bite!
Workplace Advice: Most people do only what is expected of them. A little extra effort will make you stand out. Doing more than that and you’ll soon be running the place.
Try not to rationalize or over-analyze the important decisions you make. Trust your gut. This allows your heart to beat true.
When you avoid growth opportunities because of fear, your dreams move further away. Counter this by growing a thick skin and get back to work doing what you love. You will experience emotional nicks and bruises along the way – and some really choice mental scars – but it’s the best way I know to acquire personal wisdom and gain your professional freedom.
More Workplace Advice: 1) go to the source of a problem and involve others in the solution, 2) meet deadlines, 3) communicate in person whenever possible, 4) respond quickly, frequently, and sincerely, and 5) be sure you have the tools and skills to do the job (if you don’t, acquire them). Do these things consistently and you’ll be the last one fired when your job is replaced by robots.
Always tell the truth. Telling lies is exhausting. They will back you up like a grilled peanut butter and banana with bacon sandwich until you’re so full of crap you’ll drop dead on the shitter’s throne as did the King of Rock and Roll. (That was so fucking disguising Elvis fans are still making up stories “the king” is alive almost 50 years later)
Create the next new thing while you are still young. You can be the Mother of it before you have children. And you will be remembered for it long after they are gone.
Inner strength comes from being grounded. Reach for the stars and hold on tight with the grip of gratitude. You’ll stretch but never break.
Don’t settle. If others accuse you of being selfish, so be it. It’s true that misery loves company. While they are stewing in mediocrity, do your dad a favor and refuse their invitation to sit at the losers table. The conversation there is sooo boring.
read with a pirate-y accent
A toast to my daughters! I wish you a lifetime of curiosity and learning. Persistence, sprinkled with failure, change, and growth. Loyal friendships. Many loves. This is what I wish for you. One more thing: don’t reveal where the treasure is buried in the presence of your parrot. Arrrgh.